Close relationships are meant to add value to our lives. We look to those with whom we are closest to be a source of joy, support, inspiration or fulfillment. However, sometimes we can find ourselves in a relationship that may be unsupportive or even toxic and abusive. that’s easier said than done.
There are many reasons why we choose incompatible partners who showcase problematic behaviors and toxic or abusive tendencies. There are even more reasons why we stay in relationships that don’t serve us.
Quite often remaining in a relationship that does not provide support, and is hurtful, may be a sign of codependency. Codependency can be present in all kinds of relationships – whether romantic, familial, or friendships.
If you find yourself:
- constantly putting your partner’s needs before your own,
- frequently feeling helpless, resentful and angry when thinking about your relationship,
- struggling with a painful cycle of self-blame, anxiety, shame,
- having trouble making decisions without your partner’s input,
chances are you’re in a codependent relationship. When left unchecked and swept under a rug, such relationships can lead to complex mental health issues like emotional exhaustion, low self-esteem, anxiety or depression.
How can you know if you’re stuck in a codependent relationship? What to do about it? Read on to find out more.
What is Emotional Codependency?
Codependency goes beyond the simple give-and-take of human relationships. It’s an unhealthy emotional and behavioral condition where one person is overly reliant on their partner to provide reassurance and support their well-being. Instead of a two-way street, in a codependent relationship, one side becomes the “giver” and the other the “taker.”
The “giver”:
- focuses solely on meeting their partner’s needs, often at the expense of their own self-care,
- may have difficulty saying no and setting healthy boundaries,
- feels responsible for their partner’s emotions,
- often derives their self-worth from the relationship.
In contrast, the “taker”:
- depends on their partner for validation, direction, and emotional support,
- seeks reassurance and validation from the “giver”
- feels entitled about their partner’s efforts, taking them for granted
- struggles to take responsibility for their actions and emotions.
This type of codependent relationship can be present in all kinds of relationships, not just romantic ones. Relationships with family members, friends, and even coworkers can be co-dependent. The key distinction between codependency and healthy interdependence is that codependency involves an unhealthy reliance where one person’s needs consistently override the other’s.
The Mental Health Impact of Codependent Relationships
Being in a codependent relationship can take a significant toll on your mental health. Some of the common consequences include:
Low Confidence: Codependent people often base their self-worth on their ability to please others and meet their partner’s needs. This can lead to a persistent feeling of inadequacy and a lack of a strong, independent sense of self.
Poor Self-Care: Codependent individuals tend to neglect their own needs, hobbies, and self-care practices in order to focus solely on their partner. This can result in burnout, physical health issues, and an overall decrease in well-being.
High Stress and Anxiety: The constant worry about a partner’s needs and the fear of abandonment or rejection can create debilitating stress and anxiety for the codependent person. [1]
Depression: Feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness, and a loss of identity are common in codependent relationships, often leading to depression.
Addiction: Codependency is closely linked to addiction, as people may turn to substances or unhealthy behaviors to cope with emotional turmoil.
What Causes Codependency?
Codependent behaviors often stem from deeper underlying issues, such as:
Low Self-Esteem: People with poor self-image may seek validation and a sense of self-worth from their relationships, making them more prone to codependency.
Attachment Styles: Those with anxious or avoidant attachment styles, often developed in childhood, may be more likely to exhibit codependent behaviors in adulthood. [2]
Trauma and Abuse: Individuals who have experienced abuse, neglect, or other traumatic events in their past may unconsciously recreate unhealthy dynamics in their current relationships. [3]
5 Steps to Overcome Codependent Habits
Breaking free from codependency and building healthier, more independent relationships requires a multi-faceted approach:
1. Educate Yourself
Understanding the root causes of codependency is the first step towards change. Start this quest by shifting your focus from others and onto yourself. Get curious about your emotions instead of avoiding or suppressing them. Our feelings, however uncomfortable they may be, are a source of information and insight about our inner lives.
As you identify triggers or difficult thoughts, it is important to do so with self-compassion and gentleness, which you can practice on your own or with the guidance of a psychologist.
2. Strengthen Your Sense of Self
Put your needs first and make your well-being your priority. Rather than fixating on different ways to please your partner, ask yourself:
- What would make me happy?
- How can I take care of myself here?
- How can I treat myself as an ally, not an enemy?
Work on building your self-esteem, self-awareness, and personal identity apart from your relationship. Get excited about exploring your inner self. Engage in hobbies, pursue your own goals, and spend time with supportive friends and family.
3. Set Healthy Boundaries
Advocating for yourself and having your back comes down to:
- learning to say “no” without guilt,
- communicating your needs assertively,
- resisting the urge to “rescue” your partner or take responsibility for their emotions.
4. Regulate Your Emotions
Breaking free from a codependent dynamic means taking accountability for regulating your emotions. This means that rather than counting on your partner to soothe your anxiety or cheer you up when feeling sad, focus on turning to yourself in moments during these times. You can develop healthy coping mechanisms to manage anxiety, fear of abandonment, and other intense emotions that can drive codependent behaviors with the use of mindfulness practices or in psychotherapy.
5. Seek Professional Help
Remember – you don’t have to face these challenges alone. Consider working with a therapist or counselor who specializes in codependency, attachment issues, or relationship dynamics. They can provide invaluable guidance and support during the recovery process.
Breaking free from codependency is a journey. With dedication and self-compassion, you can reclaim your independence and build healthier, more fulfilling relationship dynamics.
Your path towards greater inner balance and mental well-being starts with taking the first courageous step. Click here to contact us today.
References
[1] Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. (1990). Attachment style as a predictor of adult romantic relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 58(2), 281-291.
[2] Marks, A. D., Blore, R. L., Hine, D. W., & Dear, G. E. (2012). Development and validation of a revised measure of codependency. Australian Journal of Psychology, 64(3), 119-127.
[3] Kaya, Z., Kale, K., Yağan, F., & Kaya, Ş. (2024). The mediating role of resilience in the relationship between childhood emotional abuse and emotional neglect and codependency. Children and Youth Services Review, 107670.
