You know the feeling: someone praises you, and suddenly everything feels lighter. But one minor criticism? One unread message? One moment of silence?
It sends you into a spiral of overthinking, insecurity, or self-doubt.
This quiet desperation for external nods is more common than you think, often leaving us wondering: How do I stop needing others to tell me I’m enough? If you’ve ever wondered, “Why do I care so much about what other people think?”—you’re asking one of the most critical questions of your emotional life.
The truth is: seeking approval is human. But depending on it is painful. And you can learn a different way. Let’s unpack the trap of external validation together.
What Is External Validation and Where Does It Come From?
External validation is the reassurance or acceptance we get from others. A little external validation is healthy and normal. The trouble begins when you depend on it to feel secure, lovable, or competent.
So where does the excessive need for external validation come from? To answer this question, one must explore their childhood experiences [1]. And you probably learned to seek safety through approval if you received:
- inconsistent attention,
- unpredictable emotional responses,
- conditional acceptance,
- emotional neglect/invalidation,
- overly critical feedback,
- too much praise.
If your emotional survival once depended on being accepted, your brain doesn’t simply “outgrow” that pattern.
Signs of External Validation
1. Excessive apologizing:
You find yourself often saying “I’m sorry”, even if someone else bumps into you in the hallways, even if it’s the waiter messing up your order. You apologize profusely because you believe that having your own needs is problematic.
2. Fearing rejection:
You overcommit, overextend, and over-please because disappointing someone feels unbearable. You become hypervigilant to the reactions of others, and you overanalyze people’s tone, facial expressions, or texting patterns. And saying “no” to someone else seems impossible.
3. Deep discomfort when not reassured/validated:
You find yourself asking questions like:
- “Are you mad at me?”
- “Did I do something wrong?”
- “Was that okay?”
Even significant achievements feel flat unless someone compliments you. On top of that, each moment of reassurance or validation is short-lived. Sooner or later, you need another “hit” in order to feel safe, at ease, or proud of yourself.
The Trap of External Validation: Mental Health Struggles
Chronic Anxiety
Your mind becomes preoccupied with how others see you. Your mind is constantly scanning for signs of approval or disapproval. A coworker’s neutral tone feels like a threat.
Emotional Numbness & Depression
Your self-worth drops when approval is lacking or inconsistent. It’s easier to get trapped in the swamp of depression [2].
Low Self-Worth & Identity Loss
If no one praises you, you assume you’ve failed. At the same time, you lose trust in your own judgment. Over time, you forget who you really are:
What do you enjoy? What do you believe? What do you want?
Many people can’t answer these questions because they’ve spent years conforming to what others want.
Relationship Issues
Because you say yes to everything, you end up exhausted or resentful. At the same time, relationships feel unstable—you may cling, withdraw, or overanalyze.
How to Stop Seeking External Validation and Break Free
Step 1: Build Emotional Awareness
Mindfulness helps you recognize your thoughts, emotions, and bodily sensations without acting on your impulse. Slow down your reactions as much as you can. Just a couple of minutes of practice a day can bring a sense of calm and ease.
Step 2: Learn to Validate Your Own Emotions
Emotional validation means taking a closer look at your emotions, acknowledging any feelings, no matter how uncomfortable, naming them and navigating such moments with self-compassion. Try saying:
- “This feeling makes sense.”
- “I’m allowed to be upset.”
- “My emotions are real and valid.”
Step 3: Set Internal & External Boundaries
You don’t need to start with major confrontations to teach your mind that it’s safe and totally okay to make space for your needs. Try:
- taking extra time to decide before committing to something,
- refusing someone’s request to help them with an extra project at work,
- celebrating a small win privately, without fishing for compliments from your friends.
Each healthy boundary you set – whether internal or external – helps you strengthen your confidence.
Get Professional Support & Break Free from External Validation
You don’t have to figure this out on your own. Healing is easier with someone walking beside you.
If external validation has been controlling your life, your decisions, or your happiness, don’t wait for the issue to disappear on its own. Our providers are ready to help you reclaim your inner voice.
Click here to reach out for the support you deserve.
References
[1] Jeon J, Park D. Your feelings are reasonable: Emotional validation promotes persistence among preschoolers. Developmental Science 2024 Sep;27(5):e13523. doi: https://doi.org/10.1111/desc.13523
[2] Canlı, D., & Karaşar, B. (2020). Predictors of major depressive disorder: need for social approval and self-esteem. Anatolian Journal of Psychiatry, 21(1). https://doi.org/10.5455/apd.97683
