In a world of uncertainty, one thing I know for sure is – you will hurt and offend others. (who is the author of this…It sounds like a quote from someone.)
No matter how hard we try to keep the peace or how emotionally attuned we are to others, misunderstandings, arguments, and conflicts are inevitable. It’s not the absence of conflict that makes a great couple, a solid friendship, or a healthy family. It’s the presence of repair after a conflict that makes all the difference. Why is that?
Repair allows relationships to recover, grow, and thrive. Without repair, tension festers, resentment deepens, and unresolved strain within a relationship eventually has negative effects on one’s mental health.
If you want to co-create relationships that don’t just move past hardship, but actually find strength through it, understanding the importance of repair and continually developing this skill is essential. So let’s dive in!
What is Repair?
We are all familiar with those moments of disconnection, when the atmosphere in the room suddenly shifts, when our expectations aren’t met; we feel dismissed, confused, angry, resentful, etc. Maybe the disconnection turns into a heated argument with a partner, or words swallowed down, emotions ignored, and a misunderstanding swept under the rug rather than addressed.
Repair is what comes after such a relationship rupture. It’s the choice to turn toward the hurt rather than ignore or minimise it.Repair is the process of two people intentionally reaching out and connecting after a fight. It isn’t about being perfect — it’s about recognizing what happened, acknowledging emotions, taking accountability, and working together to rebuild trust and understanding.
The Cost of Ignoring Repair
If you’ve ever gotten hurt by a loved one and heard something like:
“Come on! It was nothing. Do you have to make a big deal about it? Can’t you just let it go? You’re so sensitive! I can’t say anything around you anymore…”
Chances are, you probably know how much damage ignoring repair can cause.
Ignoring repair can be a joke made at your friend’s expense, an emotional outburst directed at your partner, or failing to acknowledge your child’s emotional discomfort.
When those daily, seemingly irrelevant moments of hurt go unaddressed, they accumulate over time, resulting in:
- loss of trust,
- ongoing feelings of shame or resentment,
- emotional distance,
- social isolation,
- low self-esteem,
- even anxiety or depression.
How Repair Fosters Connection
Running away from repair or ignoring the hurt we cause is like rust, corroding the relationship and pushing two people further apart.
However, by turning toward the other person and addressing what just happened, we’re saying: “Your needs matter. Your emotional state is important to me. What just happened here?”
- Repair is a beautiful opportunity to:
- understand each other on a deeper level,
- strengthen mutual trust and respect,
- validate the emotions of the other person,
- lower stress and foster a sense of safety,
- normalize conflicts and ruptures,
- come up with new ways of meeting each other’s needs.
Parents can especially benefit from repair skills with children. When caregivers repair after moments of frustration, they not only reduce emotional distress — they rewrite the story of the child’s experience of safety and connection [1], building emotional security for life, according to Dr. Becky Kennedy.
Here’s an incredible TED Talk she gave on this very topic.
How to Make Repair Work
1. Recognize the rupture:
A rupture might feel and look like tension, withdrawal, a shift in emotional tone and facial expression, averted eye contact, increased defensiveness, or stonewalling. Rarely ever is it subtle. Usually, catching the moment of disconnection and conflict is not complicated.
So don’t pretend you cannot see the elephant in the room to avoid dealing with the momentary discomfort. Rather, try these steps:
- Name what’s happening, internally or aloud.
- Bring awareness to this moment instead of avoidance.
- Try using “I” statements instead of criticizing the other person.
- Focus on your experience, emotions, and thoughts using “I” statements
2. Take accountability for your actions:
Effective repair is not about pre-emptively apologizing and taking all the blame to put the conflict behind you. Neither is it about getting offensive and putting all the blame on the other person. It’s not the game of victim and perpetrator.
Instead, the repair process is a two-way street, devoid of hierarchy, that must involve taking accountability, meaning:
– Get curious about the other person’s experience if you hurt them, acknowledge the impact your behavior had on them, and see how you can improve moving forward.
– Inversely, voice your needs and share your emotions if you’ve been hurt by someone else. Explain to them how their actions affected you, and discuss the improvements you’d like to see from them in the future.
3. Cultivate compassion and mutual respect:
Repair does not mean listing all your relationship mistakes, shaming or criticising yourself or the other person. Repair is co-created. But to ask, “Help me understand how that felt for you,” and listen deeply, it’s crucial to lead with:
- respect for the other person
- a lot of compassion (and self-compassion)
So next time you find yourself standing in front of a choice to either:
- understand what went wrong vs. minimise or ignore the hurt
- acknowledge the impact of your actions vs. defensively explain your intentions
- share intentions for the future vs. avoid accountability by victimising yourself
Try turning toward the conflict, move closer to the rupture, and aim for repair.
For many of us, it’s easier said than done. Repairing deeply rooted relational patterns — especially those shaped by early wounds — can be challenging without support [2]. Luckily, psychotherapy offers a safe space to:
- explore your unhealthy patterns and schemas,
- identify your triggers,
- practice in real-time relational skills,
- learn the skill of repair and strengthen that relational muscle.
At Harbor Psychiatry & Mental Health, we understand how repair isn’t just about mending what’s broken. It’s about building the skills that make meaningful, lasting connections possible. If you’d like to learn how to create such bonds, contact us today.
References:
[1] Westphal, M., Leahy, R. L., Pala, A. N., & Wupperman, P. (2016). Self-compassion and emotional invalidation mediate the effects of parental indifference on psychopathology. Psychiatry Research, 242, 186–191.
[2] Kemp, C. J., Lunkenheimer, E., Albrecht, E. C., & Chen, D. (2016). Can we fix this? Parent–child repair processes and preschoolers’ regulatory skills. Family Relations, 65(4), 576–590.
